Dialogue
Volume
5 Issue 2
April 2003
The subject: Parenting
Who’d
have thought Circle of Hope would need some dialogue on parenting?
To be honest, many of us have thought so, from our inception. In a
day when so many of us feel like we are children without parents,
at least without parents who had strength of character and faith,
we have a lot to learn about raising our own children. What’s
more, the “parentless” children we keep meeting have many
needs we’d like to meet.
So
it is about time we invaded the sacred territory of family life
with dialogue. Our writers have informative and maybe
provocative things to say about how children should be nurtured
and how our community in Christ plays its part — and needs
to play a big part.
— Ed.
The
Lost Art of Parenting a Healthy Child
Okay,
first let’s be absolutely clear: There are no perfect parents
and no perfect kids so there’s no perfect parenting (and no
perfect childhood). Let’s all run away from that fantasy as best
we can.
But
what can be said about ways to be nurturing and kind and helpful
and loving to a child? Well, lots, but the best of it would happen
over a cup of tea or an unhurried dinner so that the deepest
concerns of any parent’s heart could be identified and honored.
What
I hope to do in this brief article is to dialogue, as the title
implies. I want to begin some conversation about how to parent and
how to allow the process of parenting to contribute to our growing
up as adults as well. No one will unveil your psychological quirks
quite like your own child!
For
the purpose of being brief let me put a framework on this
discussion by suggesting that we look at parenting from the
perspective of soothing and stimulating. I’d like to look at
these two constructs as poles on a continuum with soothing
at on side and stimulating
at the other. There’s an inherent tension between these two
ideas that I believe captures some of the complexity and beauty of
the parenting process.
SOOTHING
Kids
need soothing all along the way as they grow up. This encompasses
needs that are both physical and emotional that must be met by
parents and has tremendous spiritual implications as well. Life
has frustrating moments and all of us, young and old, must learn
to deal with the frustration. Any need that goes unmet causes the
need for soothing. When the baby is hungry, she cries and when she
is offered nourishment, she calms. Parents do this. It’s the
basics. But there are many needs
being met in this process. The child is noticed and attended to,
held close, eye contact is made, etc. The basic premise I’m
getting to is this: soothing comes by way of relationship. All the
way through development this will be true. So one of the basics
I’d suggest for parenting is: be aware of the relationship you
are creating and maintaining.
Kids
experience soothing when they, as persons with needs, are
recognized; when their emotional and physical needs are identified
and addressed, even if at times those needs cannot be immediately
or fully met. This last point brings me to the other poll on the
continuum, so let me discuss the concept of stimulating, and come
back to a discussion of balancing of the two.
STIMULATING
From
the beginning children also need stimulation to grow and develop.
Parents do this spontaneously with infants. They hold and feed
their children (soothing) and they tickle and play with their
children (stimulating). Both functions are essential for the
child’s development. Both functions occur within the context of
a relationship with the parent(s). Stimulation, as I’m
suggesting we define it here, is a sort of definition of the self
through autonomous interactions with the environment. In soothing,
the child feels he is understood, and at one with others in his
world. In stimulating, the child feels that she is a separate and
unique individual, and can offer distinctive gifts to others. Kids
experience stimulation as another form of the recognition of them
as valuable individuals in the group (family, neighborhood,
culture). Ultimately the child will need to learn to find in
his/her peer relationships avenues for soothing and stimulation as
well. Parenting (and maybe this is what makes it one of life’s
most difficult and potentially rewarding relationships to sustain)
is a process of holding close (soothing) and letting go
(stimulating), over and over again.
BALANCING SOOTHING AND STIMULATING
As
I’ve been thinking about parenting recently, I’ve been
considering a problem that I see repeating itself, given some of
the current treads in our culture. It seems to me that there’s
been a strong shift in the last few decades that has left the main
focus in parenting on the soothing side of the continuum. When
children are upset, adults rush to offer comfort. When the child
demands more (as any child learns early to do), the adults seem to
get caught in an endless cycle of adding more soothing. The
demands go up, the parent tries harder to find the “magic” to
soothe the child. As I’ve talked with parents about this, I hear
often that they are attempting to be a good parent based on models
they’re holding in their minds that were formed out of painful
experiences in their own childhoods. “I want him to be able to
express his feelings. I never got to in my family.” Hidden
assumption: the child knows what to do for him or her self and
that all expression is good. “I think she’s a bit emotional,
but what can I do? It’s just the way she is.” Hidden
assumption: the child is a fixed being, no changes possible.
These sorts of assumptions lead to the conclusion that the demands
for soothing must be met. But the truth is that there are times
when a child needs the stimulating influence of some parental
limits that reflect the realities of relationship building and
maintenance. For the child to grow into a healthy, functional
adult, s/he needs to learn about other’s feelings and the
individual’s power to influence others. No better place than in
the relationship with parents for this to begin. Besides, parents
who are trying to meet only soothing demands without attending to
the need for limits and negotiating how needs/desires are
addressed in the context of the family usually end up getting
angry with the child and acting out of that anger.
Parenting
needs to be a balance between soothing and stimulating. To
recognize and listen to the feelings of a child is a marvelous
gift. It is not, however, necessary to then validate that those
feelings (and the desires they represent) are all legitimate and
will all be met. Life simply doesn’t work that way – thank
goodness! We grow when we learn to work with the limits of who we
actually are, the limits with our gifts and our shortcomings.
It’s my suggestion that we need to keep a balance with the
stimulation of informed limit setting within our parenting as well
as attuned soothing.
Gwen
White
The
Needs of Children in Cells and PMs and Creative Ways to Meet Them
This
is a major issue of conversation this year, at both our sites and
in many of our cells. Both Tracey and Deb have thought for years
on the subject. — Ed.
Tracey’s
thoughts…
O
Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for
the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the
kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.
Luke 18: 16-17.
The
children are coming to us! Praise the Lord! We are growing
abundantly in ways we probably didn’t consider we would when
Circle of Hope started. I
always imagine “the next generation” to be college students
and those in their twenties. I hope, pray, and work towards Circle
always being accessible and attractive to these people. I remember
distinctly my own anguish in my twenties as I encountered racism,
poverty, and oppression for the first time. Jesus found me in
college as I was searching for love and for my place in the world.
I am so thankful.
Now
as I am beginning my own family I am hearing the struggles of
those with young families. How do we continue to be a safe place
to explore and express God’s love for the next generation; for
the twenty year olds and our own children? A two year old and a twenty-one year old have
very different life styles. It seems to me that in Luke 18 Jesus
tells us that this can work out, and bring life for everyone
involved. He goes so
far to say that if we will not receive the kingdom of God like a
little child we will never
enter it. I think the children have much to teach us.
As
I sat down to write this article I began by considering the needs
of the Church, the parents, and the toddlers.
I am struck by how similar the needs are and how important
the Church is in the journey to meet God.
-
·
we
need to be loved and we need to love
-
·
we
need to connect with God and each other
-
·
we
need to learn to not be afraid of each other
The
next needs are specifically those of the toddlers, but they are
also true for adults.
-
·
children
need a safe place to play with their friends
-
·
they
need adults to care for them and teach them appropriate ways
to behave in public meetings (walk, speak with an inside
voice, respect and be kind to others, obey those who love
them).
-
·
children
need to stay on their eating and sleeping schedule as much as
possible
As
I consider what life will be like as a parent at Circle, I am
hoping for times to worship and communicate with God without
worrying about the care of my children. I am hoping to continue to
meet, love, and be loved by my friends in the in-between times
without being consumed by my children.
I am hoping this for me and for people who will be visiting
us.
So
how do we care for our children, ourselves, and those yet to come?
I think we can first remember Jesus’ words and know that in
working this out we will grow closer to Him.
We can provide a beautiful, safe, clean space to play for
our children. We can
support and encourage the Children’s Team who lovingly provide
continuity and care to our children during the public meetings. We
can volunteer willingly to care for the children when each of our
cells hosts the public meeting.
We can join a cell. We
can listen and learn from
the children. (Recently
Bailey has taught me a lot about love as she warmly greets me
every Sunday.) We can
make an effort to remember the children’s names, and use their
names when loving them and helping them behave appropriately in a
public meeting in the in social times that surround them.
It’s in those social times it will be the hardest to work
out our life together. There
will be conflict which also means there will be opportunity for
growth.
As
I think about those “social” times (like the “in-between”
time in Center City), I first think of those yet to come. Many
people meet us for the first time in these times. They are meeting
Jesus through us during these times.
I want them to be attracted to us and Jesus. I know that
chaos is not attractive and that kids are good at chaos. I also
know that kids don’t need or have to be chaotic and that
structure helps them to be better learners, more creative, and
more comfortable with themselves.
They don’t want to be ruled by their impulses any more
than we do. It is
good for the children to know the appropriate way to act at a
public meeting. Learning
these behaviors helps them to love God, to hear and obey God, and
to love others. To me the big question is who is responsible for
this teaching? I speak as a teacher, and lover of children.
I’ve been thinking about these things as a future parent,
but having no experience as a parent,
I’m not sure how this will all work out in actuality.
I
think it is very important to be sensitive to a child’s eating
and sleeping schedule. No
matter how disciplined a child is, they will be miserable and
cranky if the are hungry and tired.
Our worship times present a bit of a problem then.
I know Deb Valentine brings dinner along for her two boys.
Devin and Josh then can eat during the p.m. or during the
in-between time. Then when they get home they can immediately
begin getting ready for bed.
This is good
for her kids but may
take Deb away from some visiting she may want to do. We need to reach out
to our parents of young children, for a time their children’s
schedules will limit them from reaching out to us.
I
think a lot of the teaching about how to act around adults
in public meeting type settings can be done at home.
It may take some time for the children to comfortably behave appropriately
without a lot of redirection, but I think it is possible. Redirection no doubt will
be needed during the p.m. however. I think I would be
comfortable with anyone who loves my child talking with them about
their behavior, especially if I wasn’t nearby. I do that for
children and parents now and believe that it is an important part
of the kingdom work. I
can imagine however that it would be upsetting if someone else
disciplined my child in a way that I felt wasn’t loving.
It is here that we need to be courageous and do the work of
asking for help, offering help, listening, and loving.
I
really enjoy the comfort all of our children have in our space at
239 South 10th Street. The
children know they are loved, and Circle is a safe place for them
to explore and express God’s love too.
As the children mingle in the crowd and we all delight in
them I know we are creating a really wonderful church.
We must also keep
watch for chaos,
however. I have been
at a few public meeting where I have been overwhelmed by the
chaos. Let’s work together to welcome the little children and
the new visitors, and enter the kingdom of heaven together.
Tracey
Kohl
Deb’s
thoughts...
I
have been asked to write about creative ways to involve toddlers
and preschoolers in our cells and public meetings.
It's a tough topic. There's
not a real clear place for kids at Circle of Hope yet, and there
isn't a real obvious path to follow in finding a place for them.
But then Circle hasn't been in the habit of following a lot
of obvious paths anyway has it? ...and Rod talked about HOPE when
I was at the Public Meeting tonight....
I
don't think it's too tough to be a toddler or preschooler at
Circle of Hope. I
think the kids who are around regularly really know that they are
loved and they pick up a lot of good stuff about Jesus and justice
and mercy and grace in their relationships with all the adults who
are around. There is
a lot of good that happens for our youngest ones in and around
Circle of Hope.
I
think it is tough being
a parent of a toddler or preschooler at Circle.
At least it is tough for me, and I know of some others who
have left for this very reason. Because we don't know where our kids fit in, sometimes we
don't know where we fit in either.
How do we manage to attend a cell?
Do we split up and attend different cells? Do we get a
babysitter every week? What if we want to bring our kids - will
other people object or will they help us? And what about bedtimes
and needing to get the kids up so they can go to school or daycare
in the morning? For my family, even the 5:00 public meeting makes
Sunday night really stressful since my oldest started kindergarten
and I started working full time. And though I think I learned too
much Bible content as a kid, I find that my 6 year old comes
home from retreats with my parent's church and I can tell he has
really soaked in some of the content he learned, like he's thirsty
for it. And, yes,
maybe I should be teaching him more myself, but it would nice if
he had some of the same kinds of opportunities I have to learn
with the spiritual community that we are a part of, just like I
do.
So,
what does that mean? We
change worship to Sunday morning to help families like mine?
We institute a traditional Sunday School complete with
Bible memorization attendance star charts? Our kids learn the
story of Noah's ark because it has such cute animals in it when it
is actually a story that involves a picture of God that is pretty
terrifying and tough even for adults to process if you really
think about it. How
do we begin to decide what to teach them? How do we teach without coercing or indoctrinating them. Do
we follow an Anabaptist curriculum?
A cell church curriculum?
Do we create our own and if so, who creates it?
At
Circle we seek to be authentic in our experiences with God and
with each other. We
seek to be honest about the ugliness of life and the ugliness in
ourselves. We don't
quote a scripture verse and pretend we are okay when we aren't.
We do learn content - from scripture and other sources -
but we don't focus on intellectual knowledge as the primary
foundation of our faith. We
seek to continually weave the content of Scripture, our
experiences with Jesus personally, our encounters with God in our
present community, and the knowledge and experiences of Christian
from the past. We incorporate aspects of the traditions and
rituals of the Church that have helped others to encounter God for
generations, but not as law, as disciplines that might lead us to
taste more of Life. Every
week we are offered much at cells, at the Public Meeting, during
worship and whatever form of teaching or preaching is offered and
we are free to choose whether or not to participate. We are free
to glean what is there for us that week and leave the rest for
another time or another person.
Isn't this what we want to offer even the youngest among
us? A chance to taste
the Life and Love of Jesus in a variety of ways regularly
when the community of faith gathers together whether for cell, or
public meeting, or love feast?
I
don't come from an Anabaptist background, so I have only recently
come to understand a little about the greater emphasis in this
tradition on the importance of being an adult before one can
become a covenant member and be expected to carry the weight and
responsibility of that commitment. Still, I think that kids can be taught how to worship.
They can pray. They can certainly speak God's truth and be His arms of hope
and encouragement. They
can serve.
Personally,
I think that the goals for kids should be the same as the goals we
have for adults at Circle. They
should have time to fellowship, to worship (through song, dance,
prayer, etc.) and to learn more about God, and Jesus and the
Church and issue of faith and justice in the world.
Some
ways we might think about reaching these goals would be:
·
to pray about God raising up someone with true giftedness as a
pastor to shepherd kids especially, to be a voice for their needs
and their part in our congregation in leadership meetings
regularly.
·
to form a group who wants to lead our congregation in developing a
vision for children that is specific to Circle of Hope.
·
to teach kids the meaning of some of the songs we sing regularly,
to help them to connect them to their own lives and then to have
them stay for part of worship when we are singing some songs that
they can comprehend, so they can truly participate in worship with
us.
·
to keep trying new ways to do cell that make family involvement
more possible. We had
a cell for awhile that met earlier and involved dinner, a short
time of involvement for the kids and then a time with adults and
kids separated. Some cell churches have all their cells set up to
be intergenerational with a planned time or worship for kids and
adults and the beginning, a separate time in the middle and a time
of sharing together again at the end.
This might work for some of us.
·
to consider the possibility of earlier worship times, love feasts
or cells.
·
to let the kids participate in the public meeting (if they are
interested) by sharing a story or song or prayer.
·
to have a parent or kid's team adult tell a story of how they saw
Jesus through one of our kids, so we could all benefit from their
presence in our midst.
·
to have all the kids come out to worship during a time when we
know the songs will be louder and involve more movement so they
won't be a distraction, but they can participate with us in
celebrating Jesus.
·
to take a child with us when we go to a peace protest, or to serve
in a soup kitchen or to witness the awesomeness of God on a hike
in the woods
·
to do a video of the kids talking about Jesus, or justice or
whatever we are focusing on at our Public Meeting.
·
to have some public meetings that are intentionally
intergenerational when we let go of a little of our usual calm and
learn in a different way that enables the younger kids to be with
us.
·
as parents we may have to ask for help more often since there
aren't programs set up with kids and parents in mind a lot of the
time - ask someone to pray regularly for your child, ask a cell if
they would help care for your kids so you could attend (I had a
cell offer this to me and it meant soooo much!)
I
don't feel like I've offered much here.
And the sad thing is that I have been thinking about this
topic for years - since before I even came to Circle.
But it's not easy when a lot of us are trying not to repeat
our previous experiences in churches to know what to offer the
children in our church. But
we are offering them something whether we plan it or not, and I
think we do have a lot to pass on that we believe in and care
about. We'll mess it
up, of course, and they'll get to try new ways as they grow up,
but it will be good to be a part of their journeys along the way.
Deb
Valentine
God
as Parent and Our Mother/Father Blessings
During
the last year we have been experimenting with a ceremony that
marks the passage of a man or woman into the role of parent. We
call them Father Blessings and Mother Blessings. They are designed
by the people who organize them with several things in mind: 1)
They help a person remember their own childhood and the legacy
he/she brings along with them into parenting (good and bad), 2)
They affirm the gifts a person brings into their new role and
express affection, solidarity and insight, 3) They collect
encouragement and advice based on our faith and our experiences
and offer future mutuality in the awesome task nurturing a child.
4) They seek to launch a person into parenting with the assurance
of God’s blessing and some encouragement to stay connected to
the Family Maker.
These
events have proven to be very meaningful and interesting
experiences. They are much different than the usual “baby
shower” and don’t replace those parties. They are much more a
“shower of blessing” for the prospective mother or father to
drink in as they begin the uncertain transition into parenting.
They
get their deepest meaning from the recognition that God is our
parent. As we are created in his image as male and female, we are
born with his “DNA.” That character is manifested in a gender
identity that most reflects his own creativity when we come
together to give birth ourselves.
Our
great interpreter, Paul, is very excited about the implications of
being “named after God” like
that:
For
this reason I kneel before
the Father, from whom his whole family (or all fatherhood) in
heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his
glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his
Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your
hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and
established in love, may have power, together with all the saints,
to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of
Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you
may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
(Ephesians 3:14-19)
The
word in the first line translated “his whole family” or “all
fatherhood” is the Greek word “patria”
You may recognize it as a word that moved directly into European
languages from Greek. For instance, as part of the first line of
the French national anthem, it is usually translated “fatherland.”
The word has a big vision. It includes: everyone who makes a
family, everyone who links into a people group, like a tribe or
nation. Every patria reflects the One from whom we all come: the same Father who
is linked to His Son, Jesus Christ. This linking, connecting, and
generating love surpasses all knowledge! It is a fulfilling
mystery as deep as God.
Some
religions, and secular thinkers, too, are popularizing the idea of
God as a genderless “parent.” Influential ancient Greeks also
thought of God this way. Christians don’t think of God that way,
however, because they personally know the revealed Father of all
who continues to maintain a relationship with every “patria”
that will make family with him. In our father and mother blessings
we are bending our knees and praying for a deep, generative
connection with God for our friends who are becoming parents in
hope that they will make family with God.
As
we do this, we don’t merely acknowledge that we are created
beings with creative power, we dignify the unique qualities and
roles of our complementary genders as children of God. We try to
help each other get in touch with being women and men, together as
husbands and wives, becoming family. And we do that at a time in
our lives when it really counts. Our children need female and
male to find their own wholeness in God, who generates both.
It
is hard to accept and nurture one’s less-dominant “male” or
“female” side if one has not come to terms with being male or
female. When we come to the place of conceiving a child, it is
definitely the time to get comfortable with who we are! Some of us
enter parenthood thinking of ourselves as somewhat genderless and
then find that the obvious workings of biology and relationship
press us to come to terms with our identity. Our children call it
out in us as well, since they naturally search for themselves in
us. As we grow to open ourselves to the Spirit of God calling out
the mother and father in us, we trust that they will also find the
fullness of God when they relate to the Family Maker in us
I
can’t speak for the mother blessings, since they are wonderfully
free of me, and my kind. But the Father blessings often strike me
as one of the best places to experience holy male energy. I often
think the participants are drinking it up with wonder, while
regretting, at the same time, that their cups are so small. Almost
all of us missed out on things like the Native American’s sweat
lodge or long rides on the trail with the men, or the time in the
shop with dad, or any sort of careful mating and family-forming
ritual of many pre-modern people. Several men have definitely
experienced being fathered as never before by God through us.
Maybe
this is the deepest motivation for us to keep developing these
strange events that seem a bit anachronistic and unusually
personal. Many of us missed our mothers and fathers altogether.
God has not been fully known as mother and father because
“parent” is not a well-understood category for us. Many of us
are unaccustomed to expressing our hearts as parent because so few
people have loved us like that — even our own parents were
absent, unfaithful or mere pals or housemates. By emulating the
people of scripture and those among the “patria” who know
better than us how to mother and father like God, we hope to offer
a blessing of nurture and challenge from our common Parent in whom
our children will also find their wholeness.
Rod
White
Reactions
of First-time Parents
For
the past few years Circle of Hope has experienced the natural
changes that come when a young, college-aged congregation reaches
maturity and grows more diverse.
Along with the changing demographics come new voyages that
lead many single people into marriage. Whether a direct
correlation or not, many of these people also become first-time
parents. Over time, our major concerns have increased from,
“What should we do if the cops try to bust our punk rock show
again?” and “Can I bring beer to the Love Feast?” to add
concerns of a more serious nature such as “How do we build a
community that promotes healthy families and encourages first-time
parents?”
I
am not sure why I was chosen to present this topic to you. Perhaps it is because I am the most ignorant person on the
subject and might have the most to gain from writing this article
(although I may be fifty years away from parenthood).
Whatever the case may be, I found myself fascinated with
the stories and reflections shared by some of our most recent
first-time parents. The
major question that I set out to ask seemed a simple one: What
changes and major adjustments in your life have you noticed since
becoming a parent? The
answers I received were complex; ranging from physical
adjustments, to learning the joy in simple things, to deeper
self-discovery.
On
January 4th, 2003, Eric and Shelley brought Chloe Jean
Crognale Smelser into the world.
After nearly four months of adjustment Eric says that the
lack of sleep is still hard to get used to. One of the main things
he has learned through all of this is that you have to get rid of
your daily agenda when tending to a small child.
“I just try to follow her lead and realize that she is,
in the end, in charge of the schedule no matter what we have
planned.” Shelley
also realizes this change. She
says that the pace of life is just slower. “It’s not
controlled by me. At first, that was hard and frustrating for me.
I spent most of my life trying not to be controlled by my parents,
and now I find myself controlled by this small child.” Yet, in
the midst of this changing role there is a peace that comes with
this slower paced life. “I
know that when life is chaotic I can just steal away and nurse her
and the world seems to become quiet and peaceful for that small
moment in time.”
Of
course, besides the physical and time-related adjustments there
are also new opportunities of self-discovery that a child can
bring to a parent. Amiri
Salim Rivera was born on December 30, 2001, to Julius and Melissa.
One of the things that Melissa expressed was the balance that
Amiri brought to her life. “I always used to be someone who was
very goal-oriented. When
I would get motivated and set a goal for myself, there was nothing
that could get in the way. Now
with Amiri, I must chew on it first. Can Amiri handle it?
Handle the change? Can Julius handle the change?”
Just knowing that her decisions would now affect a small
child, she began to prepare differently for things.
“I feel more at peace now knowing that I am able to focus
on getting things done right instead of quickly.” Another
important thing that Amiri has brought is a challenge to their
beliefs of loving unconditionally.
“Loving Amiri for who he is has shown me just how
beautiful unconditional love is.
It’s just a small glimpse into how great God’s love
is.”
Contrary
to learning insightful things about one’s self, being a
first-time parent can also teach you about having joy in simple
things. On April 1st, Megan and David gave girth to Zöe
Elisabeth Scott. Although they have not had much time to reflect on their
changes, David stated that he really enjoys having specific
responsibilities for Zöe. “I covet them,” he says.
(Strong words when job number one means changing diapers.)
“I feel that since Megan has natural physical roles to play in
the baby’s every day life, I am almost nonessential.
I have to work harder to feel essential.
Because of that, I just really enjoy doing the simple
things.” He also says that he and Megan can only stay away from
Zöe for a short period of time before they start to “crave baby
time.” Even with the simple joy and excitement of this new
adventure, parenting is just an exhausting duty, especially the
role of nursing. “I
just wasn’t expecting to be absolutely exhausted,” says Megan.
There
are many other first-time parents within our community who are
experiencing these same things. As each child grows and develops,
the stages of parenting change and bring new challenges.
It seems that many, if not all, have experienced this
exhaustion, loss of control, newfound joys, and deeper
acknowledgement of self-discovery. The list goes on and on. However they experience it, it is a
truly wonderful journey that these parents have begun and they
deserve our utmost respect and full support.
Zane
Kratzer
Kid
Free
I
visited a church in Kensington a few years ago. As I was meeting
people, one woman asked, “How many kids do you have?”
I told her none, and she patted me on the hand in consoling
way, saying, “Don’t worry, you’ll have some soon.”
At 21 years old, I had no plans of having kids anytime
soon, and was surprised that she pitied my childlessness.
So
now I have been asked to compile the thoughts of the
“childless”, but I’ve never really thought of myself as
being “childless”, so it should be interesting to sort that
through among friends. That term makes it feel so negative. I
view my not having children of my own at this point in my life as
a very positive thing. First
of all, I’m not married. Secondly,
I am in no position financially, emotionally, spiritually, to take
on the sole responsibility for another life.
So I’ve been sorting through this whole childless thing
in conversation with friends, and here are some common themes I
noticed among us kid-free people.
Some people don’t trust kid-free people. Several
of the “childless” I spoke with described a sense of mistrust
they get from those married with children.
It seems that people think those who aren’t married with
children by a certain age are somehow different or weird. People
wonder, “What’s wrong with him?” Conversely, some married
people I spoke with find that people trust them more because they
are married.
Most of the kid-free people I know find a way
to invest in the next generation in some other way.
I have a little sister through the Amachi mentoring program, for
example. I hang out with a seven-year-old whose Dad is in
prison. We’ve been
spending time together for about a year and half now.
She and I love to play at the playground, do shrinky-dinks,
and read together. I
treasure this time with her. Another kid-free person I talked with
teaches Bible classes to young people every week.
She takes great pride in preparing lessons and building
relationships. Sometimes,
however, it can be difficult to be around the joy of children, and
not be able to share fully in the parenting experience.
We greatly respect parents. I’ve
always said that babysitting is a great form of birth-control.
After spending the afternoon with someone else’s kids, you
recognize the amazing amount of time and energy it takes to be a
parent. One person I
talked with served as a foster mom for a year.
She found that being a single mom took a great deal of
effort. It was a
rewarding experience, and she now has a huge respect for parents.
Being childless is a calling.
Several people I talked with were very clear that God has
called them to not have children right now.
God is giving them greater freedom to serve in other
ministries. Children require a rearranging of priorities, and
sometimes a kid-free person can more easily serve in specific
ministries.
Adoption and foster care are viable options.
It’s Interesting that I’ve been asked to write about
being childless, because I've pretty much decided that I'm not
going to have my own biological kids. Not that I don't like
kids, but I know that there way more kids than parents out there,
so when the time comes, I will probably look into adoption or
foster care.
So
there’s a snapshot of the challenges and advantages of being
kid-free, hope you can identify with some of these.
Alison
Handy
Readers
Respond
Sometimes
people offer pieces that go beyond our theme or respond to past
articles. Generally, we love to print them. But we always reserve
the right not to.
This
Is My Rifle
The
military has always been an important part of my family.
I grew up on military bases. My grandfathers both fought in
the Second World War; my mother's father was nominated for a
Bronze Star after the conquering of Berlin for
his part as a chemical mortar specialist in the US Army.
My father's father, a colonel in the 5th division of the
Marines, got a purple heart metal when he was shot on the island
of Iwo Jima on the Japanese front.
My
father and my uncle served two tours of duty as Marines in
Vietnam. My father
was nominated for a Silver Star metal after the battle of Khe San.
My uncle sells tanks and long range remote-guided missiles
to the US government.
In
the church I grew up in Connecticut, most of the church members,
including my Sunday School teacher, who is still very dear to me,
were employed by the ELECTRIC BOAT company in Groton, CT building
nuclear submarines.
And
so it was very natural to find myself at the end of high school
sitting down with the Army and Navy recruiters, talking about the
GI college bill, and going over the scores on my ASVAB test.
I did everything but sign the dotted line. I consider it an
act of God that my mother asked me not to join the night before I
was going to go back to the recruiters. As a military wife and
daughter, she had the perspective that came from long years of
absence and worry that plagues those married to the military.
Not
knowing what else to do, I fasted and prayed and asked God to lead
me.
Some
years later in 2003 I found myself standing in a protest march,
praying with my church for peace without war.
It's hard to say how I ended up there. A lot of it had to
do with September 11, 2001. I have to thank my cell groups,
especially Scott and Nick, for putting up with all kinds of
jumbled conversations as I expressed the confusion that most
people felt in the months that followed. But I'm walking out of
the wake of that horrible day, realizing that I and my family and
my countrymen are deeply entrenched in the cycle of threat and
attack and respond, and threat and attack and respond, and threat
and attack and respond, unending. And I hear the words of Jesus
talking about something else completely: "Love your enemy,
pray for those who persecute you," "the meek... will
inherit the earth", "do not repay evil with evil,"
and on and on.
Jesus
said, "My peace I give to you, not as the world gives"
I
have to contrast this with the words that the world gave my dad
and his platoon in his boot camp "year book" in 1965,
before they sent him off to war. It's a poem, but the style is
written rather rough in a way that only a Marine could truly
appreciate. Anyway,
here it is, and I think it's telling about the way that the world
promises peace. It's
titled, "This is my rifle".
This
is my rifle.
There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My rifle is my best friend.
It is my life.
I must master it, as I must master my life.
Without
me, my rifle is useless.
Without my rifle, I am useless.
I must fire my rifle true.
I must shoot straighter than my enemy,
who is trying to kill me.
I must shoot him before he shoots me.
I will....
My
rifle and myself know that what counts in war is
not the rounds we fire, the noise of our bursts, nor the
smoke we make.
We know that it is the hits that count.
We will hit...
My
rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life.
Thus, I will learn it as a brother.
I will learn its weaknesses, its strength,
its parts, its accessories, its sights, and its barrel.
I
will ever guard it against
the ravishes of weather and damage.
I will keep my rifle clean and ready,
even as I am clean and ready.
We will become part of each other
We will...
Before
God I swear this creed
My rifle and myself are the defenders of my country
We are the masters of our enemy.
We are the saviors of my life.
So
be it, until victory is America's
and there is no enemy, but Peace!
Peace
through war is the promise that I just can no longer stomach.
Jesus promised peace through the cross.
This is the revelation that I banked my salvation on, and
the hope of which I want all my countrymen to accept.
The cycle of threat and attack is only going to be broken
through suffering and forgiveness. Suffering, because there is no
guarantee that the people like the ones who flew the planes into
the world trade towers will stop enacting violence in the world.
There very well may be more September 11ths.
But even if there are, I believe in the power of
forgiveness more than in the power behind a gun to reconcile even
the most awful hurts the world can wreak.
I believe in it, because Jesus forgave me, and is
perpetually healing all of us who believe in him, even though we
are just as culpable as those who killed him.
I want myself and my countrymen and my enemies to be like
Jesus on the cross, saying to his murderers, "Father, forgive
them". And I
want myself, my countrymen, and our county's enemies, to be like
the Roman Centurion soldier looking on saying, "Surely this
man was the Son of God."
Through
the help of Jesus, the son of a soldier is breaking the cycle of
warring in his family. Among
my male cousins and me, mine is the first generation of Buchers to
not enlist during wartime since John Bucher the Mennonite minister
in the 1800's. I
believe that Jesus is also working to break the cycle of warring
in America. When will
we see the generation of Americans that does not engage in
warfare, but opts for true reconciliation?
Art Bucher
